How does identity develop in middle school?

A few weeks ago I took our youngest son on a college visit. To get to the school we had to travel roads I hadn’t been down in almost 25 years. They were the curvy roads that ran just south of the house I lived in until I was 15. I was caught off guard by their familiarity, even recognizing trees that stood alone in fields just off the highway. We drove by my old house, my now consolidated school, and my church.  As we drove, I shared with my son some of the milestones of my journey he had never heard. It felt like a museum tour of the important decisions made and philosophies adopted. Most of these decisions were made before I could even drive. Yet, many impact his life today.

This trip down memory lane confirmed what I have often felt about the importance of the decisions made in middle school. The internal decisions made in these years often shape the trajectory of our lives. I think we could all use a little perspective as we raise children through this sensitive period in their lives.

Books about parenting babies are abundant. But they thin out once your kids go to Kindergarten. That’s unfortunate since perspective is so important for middle school parents. I want to help fill this void. This is my best stab at What to Expect in the Middle Years. I’m going to describe some important things that happen between the ages of 9 and 14 as the middle years. 

Identity Formation and the Middle Years

In the middle years, a child’s actions and environment play a major role in their identity formation. Identity is power. I can’t think of anything more useful to a young person than a strong sense of identity. The identity young people assume shapes the lens through which they see the world and navigate the increasingly complex decisions they face. There are three important connections in this sensitive period that contribute to a child’s sense of identity:

• What are they doing?
• Where are they connecting?
• Who are they connecting with?

What are they doing?

The activities and social experiences a child engages in during the middle years can result in structural changes to their brain. Therefore what children do during this time has powerful implications for what they can easily do and what interests them in the future.  We are all probably aware of the changes that come with puberty. Though less visible, the brain is also going through what psychologists call brain remodeling. Our brains have an incredible ability to morph and change throughout our lifetime. 

But the ages of 10-25 are an especially sensitive period that has an impact on the skills, interests, and even identity of a young person. The connections in the brain that are used frequently are reinforced and strengthened, while the unused ones are pruned away. This brain activity–known as remodeling–peaks between 10-14. This is why it’s easier to learn to play an instrument, a new sport, or attempt to master a foreign language when you are twelve than when you’re 40.

The peak activity of this brain remodeling occurs around the same peak time when cultural experiences shape our identity. Our interests, engagement, and environmental context have the potential to structurally alter our brains during these middle years. And that’s why it’s so important for parents to engage this season of their child’s life with great intentionality. 

Where are they Connecting?

When I was in the 7th grade, a guest speaker informed us that my generation was called Generation X. Technically speaking, he was actually talking to a room that was half Gen X and half Millenials. But no need to get into the weeds. It was the first time I realized that my generation had a name and a description. Though it wasn’t the speaker’s intention, his statement connected me to something bigger than myself. He connected me to the place I occupied in the chronology of time. The label offered my pre-teen brain the definition it craved.

You might have a similar memory of the first time you realized you belonged to a specific place in time or a specific place on the global map. If you have this kind of memory, it probably happened when you were between 9 and 14 years old. 

In Jonathan Haidt’s recent book “Anxious Generation”, he highlighted this same dynamic with children who migrated from Japan. His insights came from a study that showed that Japanese children who migrated to the US were more likely to identify with the culture of the geographic location where they resided during this critical period between the ages of 10 and 13. It didn’t matter where they were born or where they went to elementary school. It was where they were during this sensitive period that predicted their sense of identity.

The middle years are a sensitive period when young people begin to form a more specific sense of identity inside this big world. Where we find ourselves during these years has a long-reaching impact on our sense of self. Who we connect to also plays a role. 

The environmental context in this sensitive period of life might trump genetic heritage and ethnic identity. Of course, location alone might not be the only factor at play here. Who we connect to also plays a role.

Who are they Connecting To?

Middle school is a time when we begin to see kids pair off into more exclusive friendships. In elementary, it’s one big family. By middle school, students begin to appreciate greater intimacy and their friendships reflect a more specific sense of identity. 

Who your child chooses to pair up with in middle school has a dramatic impact on their behavior. Since actions at this age uniquely shape identity, this is an area where parents should be particularly mindful. But there’s also some evidence that how children perceive themselves in the social context determines who they select as peers. Factors such as race and ethnicity play a surprising role in peer selection that intensifies as children move through middle school.

The Role of Race and Ethnicity in Peer Selection

In her book Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?, Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum openly discusses what public school educators have long recognized. Walk into an American middle or high school cafeteria and you’ll often find that students have self-segregated into racial groups. Even students who were close to classmates of a different race in their earlier years, increasingly prefer same-race peers as they move through middle school. This middle school shift for same-race peers is not isolated to children of any one race. It is evident in African American, Asian, Latin, and White students. The more racially diverse a school is, the more likely a student is to prefer same-race peers. 

I’ve personally observed this well-documented phenomenon in schools. But I currently work in a school that is racially diverse, yet I’ve repeatedly noted its absence. It is simply not possible to predict close friendships in our high school on the basis of race. Instead, very close relationships exist between students of different races. It’s not that students aren’t connecting to other students on the basis of their existing identity. In this particular context, student identity is based on internal factors rather than externally visible factors like race or ethnicity.

Many of these students are connected to a network of churches that is very global and diverse. These families share a core spiritual belief that the Kingdom of Heaven is within us and should be the dominant force in our lives. If that is true—really, really, true–then external traits like race, language, or regional identity shouldn’t be the primary definers of our identity. Instead, our definition comes from internal spiritual traits found in Christ. This spiritual identity is reinforced at home, in their spiritual communities, and is evident on-campus for those who attend our school. Therefore student identities and connections are formed on the basis of these spiritual realities rather than externally visible realities.

Considerations for Parents

I use this example to illustrate the power of parental influence and context in the development of a child’s identity rather than an advertisement of our school or church. The example of the parents in my church/school community has general relevance to any parent reading this story.  This isn’t an article on race, ethnicity, or religion. But rather an article about the power of context in the middle years to shape our children’s identity. The majority of the research available discusses this topic in the context of externally visible factors such as race, ethnicity, gender, and personality. Some textbooks even discuss it in the context of parenting styles. 

But as someone who has held a lifelong commitment to push against the trends of time and the boxes in which society tries to encapsulate us, I want to look at this season of life from a different vantage point. After spending a significant amount of my professional attention learning how young people develop a strong sense of identity, here’s where I’ve landed on the issue.

The middle years are a time of mind-blowing physical and emotional changes that have a powerful impact on a young person’s sense of self. I’m a real believer that we are more than just our physical person. We are spirit, soul (mind, will, emotions), and body. These three components interact in complex ways to shape who we are, how we feel, and the actions that determine who we become. The complex nature of these interactions is visible during these middle years.

The examples I used clarify the importance of the middle years as a critical period for identity formation. There’s a lot going on in a middle schooler’s mind and body. And they are looking to the environmental norms to help them make sense of it. As they look at these norms, they seem to connect to the identity most obviously available. For Japanese students living in America, that identity was the cultural identity in their immediate surroundings rather than their homeland. For the American middle schoolers in racially diverse schools, that identity by default tends to be the kids who look most like them. 

I’m encouraged by the reach parents have into their kids lives at this age. When they offer a deeper narrative for their child’s identity development than the trends of the age, children tend to internalize it.

In the absence of strategic identity development, children will default to whatever cultural trends are most readily available. In many parts of the US today, race or ethnicity is still probably one of the most visible identities offered. But it’s certainly not the only identity young people might be drawn toward. Religious, cultural, regional identity, material pursuits, or whatever is trending in their school or community at the time are all up for grabs.

Middle school is a sensitive period when the default and environmental norms play a major role in forming identity. Your child’s identity will be shaped during this sensitive period. The narrative you offer coupled with the context you provide can be formative. If you don’t offer your child a strong narrative of who they are–something or someone will.